It's so hard to say goodbye...

If you know me at all, you know I have a passionate love affair with music.  Music is every bit of a therapy to me as a licensed psychologist may be to you.  The title of my blog brings a flood of emotions and memories to mind nearly instantly.  But today, this isn't about me.  Well, maybe it is in a way, but I'll get to that.
Today, a dear friend of ours lost his father, at the very young age of 58.  He battled a rare form of heart disease, and although gave a brave fight to the very end, his heart just couldn't sustain any longer.  Just a few days ago this brave man called his wife, siblings, and children all to his hospital room and advised them that he was at peace with his life and no longer afraid of leaving this earth.  What a brave, noble, and heartfelt statement to make to your loved ones.  I have no idea what my friend is feeling at this moment.  I can only imagine the heartache, anger, regrets, etc that may or may not be flooding his mind.  But I do know that my friend loved his father dearly.  And although it may not have been easy, he was an amazing support system to his father in his final moments of life. 
Alas, all of this makes me think... 
I know that my father is aging.  I know that his health isn't as what it once was.  He doesn't monitor his diet or blood sugar as he should.  He isn't as active as he should be.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I have no clue how long my father will be with us.  I need to make more time for him.  I should visit more often.  I need to stop letting life get in my way, and just make more of an effort.  It's so hard to say goodbye, and I don't want to have to do it with regrets of not saying today what I should have...

Bumps

It's been a stressful week.  Things have been trying at home, a teenager with a nasty attitude and a sick baby make for difficult and long days.  I haven't spent nearly enough time with my husband.  I have neglected my friends.  I have neglected my blog.  Most of all, I've been preoccupied worrying about someone else, instead of myself.. 

 

Let me give a little background, without giving too much personal information.
I have a dear friend, well, I guess someone I thought was a dear friend, who last fall separated from her husband.  Through the course of our brief, yet endearing friendship, she confided in my that her husband had been physically and mentally abusive as well as controlling for their entire 18 year relationship.  In the beginning stages she thought it cute that he would know her ever step, every location, etc.  But as their relationship progressed and into their marriage she realized it was unhealthy and wrong on many levels.  They have three beautiful children, whom I fear have seem more than their young eyes ever should have.  Long story short, about a week ago, they reconciled.  Now, let me explain myself and why I had such a negative response to this.  I didn't abandon my friend, she did that on her own.  I will always be here for her, and I will never let her down.  BUT, that being said, I did something I rarely ever do, I deleted her from Facebook and have totally stopped talking to her all together.  Why you ask??  Because I couldn't handle the non-stop posts of how perfect her life is and how "x" & "x" will be together forever.  I just don't understand  how less than a week prior to reconciling she could be pouring her heart and soul out and confessing all of the issues with her marriage and her husband, just to take him back as if nothing ever happened.  Yes, I'm aware that abuse is very hard to escape and it's sometimes even harder to leave your abuser behind for good, I've been there, done that.  But she was so close.. I will never understand and maybe I'm not meant to.  Perhaps  her allegations were false, exaggerated, or maybe they were true.  I will never know, all I know is I fear for her safety and the safety of her utterly helpless children.  That is the reason I let go.  I couldn't allow myself to worry about her and neglect myself and my family.  I just couldn't.  Selfish, yes.  Irresponsible of me, I like to think not.  Moving on has been simple, it's what I left behind that hurts... 

My weight loss journey has also been difficult.. I stepped on the scale yesterday, only to find it seemed to be going in the wrong direction.  I'm not sure why, because I've stuck 100% to protocol and I've been doing everything I should.  The only thing I can attribute this to is stress..  But I'm working on that, and trying my hardest to remain committed to this program.  It works, my previous weeks are proof enough of that.  It's just disappointing to see so little results after all the time, effort, and money I put into this.  I guess Wednesday's weigh in will be my final judge and I can only hope that between now and then there will be even a single pound lost instead of gained.  I wish it were easier for me to see results within myself, like the ones my husband says he can visibly see.  I know there are self image issues within me, maybe it's time to tackle those as well.